this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
