He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
