as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
