My Higher Power is John Stamos
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
