Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
