I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
