I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
