There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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