I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
