Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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