Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
