if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
