Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
