I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
