remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he was CRYING into my vagina
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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