two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
