Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
