he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
