I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
