omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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