I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
