I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
