why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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