Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
