Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
