It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
