i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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