Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
