i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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