new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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