Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
