Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is Oprah even human
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
