What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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