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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I looked at my own cervix.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
