He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
