I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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