I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
