I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
