I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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