I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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