I just pynch a tree in the face
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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