Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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