OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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