Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
