i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
