he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He better not be in your backpack
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
