She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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