At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
