If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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