After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
